I was reading an article about how dramatically friendships change over time. Every decade, your friends will be different depending on your life circumstances. A new job, a new marriage, a new kid, a new location — all of this can effect your friendships. This article should have had a huge “DUH” at the end.
However, it got me to thinking…I never had to experience changing friendships, because I never really had any. And I have no idea why.
I know I was an awkward kid. I had a rough family life, and I was just doing the best I could. I tried my best to make friends. What was strange was no one reciprocated. It was like I had a huge “loser” sign slapped to my forehead. In high school, people didn’t even want to be seen talking to me, worried they would be seen as a pariah. I hid in the bathroom during lunches, I was never invited to sleepovers or parties, and after a while I tried to hide in general. It was easier than rejection.
I still feel like that today, except people are a little less obvious. I have tried so hard for so long. I am over it. Clearly I am doing something wrong, but I have no idea what it is, and no one will tell me. Believe me, I have actually asked. I don’t want to be lonely, but I guess I don’t really get a choice.
When anyone actually seems interested, I get hyper and come off too strong, killing what might have been. I don’t know how to stop myself from doing this, it has to turn people off. I can actually see the look when people write me off; I notice it the second it happens. It hurts every time.
Even when I was sober I couldn’t make friends, and there are some MESSED up people in those rooms. What does that say about me? I thought getting sober would fix everything. Nope, it only fixed one thing…using.
I have no idea how I ended up married except my husband is as socially inept as I am, so it worked out. If I didn’t have him, honestly I wouldn’t be here. No point, really. If I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, it would not be worth it to me.
So that’s my Debbie Downer for the day. Anyone else feel like this?