The last time I posted, I was honest about my relapse into addiction. Everything was fine at first, and it is still fine (at least for the moment). The world didn’t end like I thought. I haven’t been thrown in jail; I haven’t lost my job or my husband. No one has tossed me into a hospital.
Actually, no one has noticed at all. And that has opened my eyes into why I went back out in the first place.
I was sober for almost four years before my fall. I was very active in my sobriety group and went to meetings up to four times a week. I had a sponsor, and I had a sponsee. I had a lot of acquaintances and friends, or so I thought; and I would go out with several of these ladies on a regular basis.
I have “been out” almost five weeks, and guess what? No one, not-a-one, has reached out to me. And this is a group who 1) knows what to do and 2) know what this disease feels like. Not even a phone call or text from my sponsor of more than three years. To say the least, this really hit my heart.
My friends and family didn’t notice either. I know I AM NOT the center of the universe and should not to be on people’s minds at every waking moment. That’s not how life works, and I am very thankful for it. But is it totally unrealistic to think someone somewhere would recognize the slightest difference? That something ā anything ā was off?
Have I always been this invisible?
I think that’s why I started using in the first place: no one, not even myself, seemed to care what would happen. Maybe I am spending time with the wrong people; maybe I rely too much on others; maybe my self-esteem is too tied to what others think. Or maybe I am just as much of a loser as I thought I was, and four years of hard work and clawing my way back into life has made no difference. What was all of it for, really?
Now, in my heart of hearts, I know that’s not true…I have grown in lots of ways, and it did put me in better places. But am I still alone? It sure feels like it. Yes, of course you need to love yourself before others will follow. And yes, you need to love yourself before you can love others. I have read enough self-help books to get the basics. The practice is the tricky part.
However, it is extremely hard to love and take care of myself when it seems to make no difference. I had extremely low self esteem regardless if I was sober or not. I didn’t make a bevy of new friends or have any big epiphanies either.
This all sounds doom and gloom, but it is where I am right now. I am trying not to let it get to me and to just keep trudging ahead. I know I will need to stop using at some point before I get in too deep. But I haven’t figured out the point of stopping yet.
Thanks for letting me rant for a moment.
hopefuldepression 
I believe your expectations may unrealistic and need a reset. You took a huge step being clean four years, it doesn’t sound like you’re giving yourself enough credit. When we’re really down we can set goals to hard to achieve. Some set themselves up for failure, we’re all guilty of addict or not. What helped me was realizing I’m not at best right now so set nano goals. The ball starts to roll as the list grows. Your confidence also grows. You feel proud and learn to celebrate what you can do. I could talk for days about all the things I haven’t done, things I feel guilty about and beat myself up over. Forward motion will get you closer to self confidence. I was abused and stood out because I didn’t want anyone to see bruises, I didn’t like myself, I hated my mother and blamed her for everything. Everyone has different friendship styles, me I would have one or two friends. The rest were people I saw and sometimes hung out with. Other people want to be the life of the party and have a huge crowd around. That huge crowd are not all friends, they hang out for mutual benefit. One thing I learned as an adult is people don’t know what to say or how to pick up the conversation. They don’t realize they made you the illness. It starts with casual conversations to understand what’s up, you haven’t heard from them. Be casual like they expect to have that conversation. People are scared or back away from what they don’t know. Sometimes you find out they weren’t friends at all. As I read your post the key goal is learning to love yourself, remember small steps, who are you, what do you want your life to look like. As you break these down to goals you have to write them down. Writing your goals down offer you several opportunities, you can keep a clear focus on what’s important, are you moving forward, if your not reaching any goals you have to ask why. You have to get down to the truth in your heart and mind. Once you have a better idea of who you are and start the difficult job of taking the first step, the hardest one. When you have low self esteem, depressed and struggling/beating yourself up over a relapse your paralyzed from the weight. Your thought have to focus on changing your thoughts, not others. One thing that helped me was helping other people, giving and expecting nothing. Look at where you can do some volunteer away from your meetings, just for now. When I took my mind off myself and all the problems I had and focused that energy to helping others, my mind started to change. It hard to hear, if you don’t want to be with yourself why would others. That’s harsh but you have a lot of heavy lifting to do. You have a support system at WP, that’s a good start. If you think this is all a bunch of crap I understand. I’ve been an addict myself. š Find reasons to pat yourself on back. š
Thank you, I needed to hear that. I am aware I am having a pity party and need to snap out of it. I have volunteered many times in the past, and it really does help. I need to re-shift my focus again, and that is a good way to do it. Appreciate your support and your comments!