The last time I posted, I was honest about my relapse into addiction. Everything was fine at first, and it is still fine (at least for the moment). The world didn’t end like I thought. I haven’t been thrown in jail; I haven’t lost my job or my husband. No one has tossed me into a hospital.
Actually, no one has noticed at all. And that has opened my eyes into why I went back out in the first place.
I was sober for almost four years before my fall. I was very active in my sobriety group and went to meetings up to four times a week. I had a sponsor, and I had a sponsee. I had a lot of acquaintances and friends, or so I thought; and I would go out with several of these ladies on a regular basis.
I have “been out” almost five weeks, and guess what? No one, not-a-one, has reached out to me. And this is a group who 1) knows what to do and 2) know what this disease feels like. Not even a phone call or text from my sponsor of more than three years. To say the least, this really hit my heart.
My friends and family didn’t notice either. I know I AM NOT the center of the universe and should not to be on people’s minds at every waking moment. That’s not how life works, and I am very thankful for it. But is it totally unrealistic to think someone somewhere would recognize the slightest difference? That something — anything — was off?
Have I always been this invisible?
I think that’s why I started using in the first place: no one, not even myself, seemed to care what would happen. Maybe I am spending time with the wrong people; maybe I rely too much on others; maybe my self-esteem is too tied to what others think. Or maybe I am just as much of a loser as I thought I was, and four years of hard work and clawing my way back into life has made no difference. What was all of it for, really?
Now, in my heart of hearts, I know that’s not true…I have grown in lots of ways, and it did put me in better places. But am I still alone? It sure feels like it. Yes, of course you need to love yourself before others will follow. And yes, you need to love yourself before you can love others. I have read enough self-help books to get the basics. The practice is the tricky part.
However, it is extremely hard to love and take care of myself when it seems to make no difference. I had extremely low self esteem regardless if I was sober or not. I didn’t make a bevy of new friends or have any big epiphanies either.
This all sounds doom and gloom, but it is where I am right now. I am trying not to let it get to me and to just keep trudging ahead. I know I will need to stop using at some point before I get in too deep. But I haven’t figured out the point of stopping yet.
Thanks for letting me rant for a moment.