My anxiety finally got to me. “The Committee” in my head, if anyone else knows what I am talking about, would not stop. I was being relentlessly attacked and beaten down by so many thoughts at once; they were all clashing together in a thunderous roar in my head. I was restless, aimless, and totally distraught. All of my days were blurring together. I was so anxious all the time, it felt like I was trapped in a straight jacket, and I was doing my best to wiggle and writhe to get out to no avail.
It had been that way for about two weeks. I have never had anxiety like that that I can remember. It was every waking moment, nonstop for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing I normally tried (exercise, talking to others, writing, prescription meds, etc.) would work. So I did the only other thing that has ever helped — I started using again. It’s the worst thing I could have done. The funny thing is, I don’t feel guilty about it like I thought I would.
I know I am an addict, so this is an extremely dangerous and stupid thing to do. However, the thoughts DID finally stop, and I was convinced nothing else would have done it. It’s not an excuse, but it was a choice I made, and I am actually OK with it. I had almost four years of sobriety, and I let it all go. In a strange way though, it feels like a new beginning; another start.
I am not beating myself up for once. I actually feel confident, free, and empowered…the exact opposite of what I was expecting. I had this towering fear of relapse. I saw myself being thrown in jail, losing everyone and everything I cared about, hating myself on an even higher level, or worse, that I’d hurt myself or someone else. Where would the bottom be? I never wanted to know. I thought I’d return to that dark hole I swore I’d never go to again. But none of that has happened. Not yet, anyway.
For now I am taking control of my situation, and if I need help again, I will seek it. I feel better today than I have in a long, long time. I feel more free than I ever did back when I was first using and even the entire time I was sober. I am using this as a learning experience, rediscovering myself, and learning to love myself despite bad decisions. It’s OK not to be perfect, as long as you make the most of your mistakes.
I am NOT suggesting any other addict try the same thing. But for me, this is a new journey, and I am allowing myself to follow the path as far as I can and let life take me wherever it wants. I am going with the flow and letting go of fear.
Maybe the road will end at a horrible place like before, or maybe it won’t. I am ready to sit back and see what’s next, and I am actually engaged in life again. One day at a time.