Road to Relapse…and Redemption?


My anxiety finally got to me. “The Committee” in my head, if anyone else knows what I am talking about, would not stop. I was being relentlessly attacked and beaten down by so many thoughts at once; they were all clashing together in a thunderous roar in my head. I was restless, aimless, and totally distraught. All of my days were blurring together. I was so anxious all the time, it felt like I was trapped in a straight jacket, and I was doing my best to wiggle and writhe to get out to no avail.

It had been that way for about two weeks. I have never had anxiety like that that I can remember. It was every waking moment, nonstop for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing I normally tried (exercise, talking to others, writing, prescription meds, etc.) would work. So I did the only other thing that has ever helped — I started using again. It’s the worst thing I could have done. The funny thing is, I don’t feel guilty about it like I thought I would.

I know I am an addict, so this is an extremely dangerous and stupid thing to do. However, the thoughts DID finally stop, and I was convinced nothing else would have done it. It’s not an excuse, but it was a choice I made, and I am actually OK with it. I had almost four years of sobriety, and I let it all go. In a strange way though, it feels like a new beginning; another start.

I am not beating myself up for once. I actually feel confident, free, and empowered…the exact opposite of what I was expecting. I had this towering fear of relapse. I saw myself being thrown in jail, losing everyone and everything I cared about, hating myself on an even higher level, or worse, that I’d hurt myself or someone else. Where would the bottom be? I never wanted to know. I thought I’d return to that dark hole I swore I’d never go to again. But none of that has happened. Not yet, anyway.

For now I am taking control of my situation, and if I need help again, I will seek it. I feel better today than I have in a long, long time. I feel more free than I ever did back when I was first using and even the entire time I was sober. I am using this as a learning experience, rediscovering myself, and learning to love myself despite bad decisions. It’s OK not to be perfect, as long as you make the most of your mistakes.

I am NOT suggesting any other addict try the same thing. But for me, this is a new journey, and I am allowing myself to follow the path as far as I can and let life take me wherever it wants. I am going with the flow and letting go of fear.

Maybe the road will end at a horrible place like before, or maybe it won’t. I am ready to sit back and see what’s next, and I am actually engaged in life again. One day at a time.



2 thoughts on “Road to Relapse…and Redemption?

  1. I have never heard anyone else call their inner voice “the committee” besides myself. Believe me, I know how this committee can drive you nuts. You have the power now to stop in your tracks, find someone to help you, and stay on the road to recovery. You are stronger than you think and you can do it. Get thee to a meeting. I’d be a terrible person if I didn’t say that. You can help you. You can.

  2. I can’t judge anyone for the choices made. I am concerned about you and your sense of reality. I’ve been addict, it’s hard place to be on top of metal illness. I don’t believe you’re on road to redemption, you’re dancing with the devil. I understand wanting just one day of feeling good however know you have another issue to deal with. Reach out to you doctor with a list of the most troublesome symptoms, let them know you started using again to get any relief possible and you need a better cocktail to get your mind to chill. I know it’s hard work, I’ve been Bipolar for over 30 years and have had months and months darkness. You are important and need your doctor to guide the way. I’ll be thinking of you. 🙂

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