Do I really suck at life?

lake-boat-man-paddle-alone-other-1080x1920
Source: http://www.listofimages.com

I was reading an article about how dramatically friendships change over time. Every decade, your friends will be different depending on your life circumstances. A new job, a new marriage, a new kid, a new location — all of this can effect your friendships. This article should have had a huge “DUH” at the end.

However, it got me to thinking…I never had to experience changing friendships, because I never really had any. And I have no idea why.

I know I was an awkward kid. I had a rough family life, and I was just doing the best I could. I tried my best to make friends. What was strange was no one reciprocated. It was like I had a huge “loser” sign slapped to my forehead.  In high school, people didn’t even want to be seen talking to me, worried they would be seen as a pariah. I hid in the bathroom during lunches, I was never invited to sleepovers or parties, and after a while I tried to hide in general. It was easier than rejection.

I still feel like that today, except people are a little less obvious. I have tried so hard for so long. I am over it. Clearly I am doing something wrong, but I have no idea what it is, and no one will tell me. Believe me, I have actually asked. I don’t want to be lonely, but I guess I don’t really get a choice.

When anyone actually seems interested, I get hyper and come off too strong, killing what might have been. I don’t know how to stop myself from doing this, it has to turn people off. I can actually see the look when people write me off; I notice it the second it happens. It hurts every time.

Even when I was sober I couldn’t make friends, and there are some MESSED up people in those rooms. What does that say about me? I thought getting sober would fix everything. Nope, it only fixed one thing…using.

I have no idea how I ended up married except my husband is as socially inept as I am, so it worked out. If I didn’t have him, honestly I wouldn’t be here. No point, really. If I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, it would not be worth it to me.

So that’s my Debbie Downer for the day. Anyone else feel like this?

 

 

 

Advertisements

I have been nominated for the Liebster Award!

liebster-award

Thank you http://ellacook230313.wordpress.com for the nomination!

Apparently there are rules to this thing, I found them here: http://wordingwell.com/the-liebster-award-the-official-rules-my-first-blog-award-and-a-few-personal-secrets-revealed/

Well, here we go!

11 questions about myself:

1) Why did you choose your current career?
I didn’t have any “grand plans” for a career. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Honestly, time was running out, and I had to choose a major in college. I just happened to be decent at writing, so that is what I stuck with. I would have loved to be a film director.

2) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
That’s a really hard question because I LOVE to travel! I would have to say France, the UK, or the American West.

3) What are your favorite things to do on your day off?
Reading, hiking, being outdoors, or just lounging around the house.

4) Can you sing?
I used to sing in a concert choir as a kid. I really enjoy singing, but only in the shower now. 🙂

5) Who is your hero/heroine?
I really look up to people in the public service sector like firefighters, police officers, social service workers, etc. — anyone who would risk their life for another for the human good.

6) Do you get along with your parents?
I am a daddy’s girl through and through. We are way too much alike.

7) What is your favorite band/singer?
I really love Ingrid Michelson.

8) Have you ever won an award for sport?
For cross country and relay races.

9) Do you have any special talents?
I can write backwards (to where you can read text in a mirror)…I was bored as a kid.

10) What is your favorite book, and why?
Pride and Prejudice—because why mess with a classic.

11) If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?
Unlimited wishes, duh!

I nominate the following five blogs to also receive the award:

1) http://lookingforthelight.me/

2) https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/60439681/

3) https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/56821289/

4) https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/61354260/

5) https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/67191030/

I really hope to get up to 100 followers in the next six months. Please help me spread the word about my blog!!

 

 

 

 

Thanks, Life, for the Reminder

Image

Source: theparentcue.org

The last time I posted, I was honest about my relapse into addiction. Everything was fine at first, and it is still fine (at least for the moment). The world didn’t end like I thought. I haven’t been thrown in jail; I haven’t lost my job or my husband. No one has tossed me into a hospital.

Actually, no one has noticed at all. And that has opened my eyes into why I went back out in the first place.

I was sober for almost four years before my fall. I was very active in my sobriety group and went to meetings up to four times a week. I had a sponsor, and I had a sponsee. I had a lot of acquaintances and friends, or so I thought; and I would go out with several of these ladies on a regular basis.

I have “been out” almost five weeks, and guess what? No one, not-a-one, has reached out to me. And this is a group who 1) knows what to do and 2) know what this disease feels like. Not even a phone call or text from my sponsor of more than three years. To say the least, this really hit my heart.

My friends and family didn’t notice either. I know I AM NOT the center of the universe and should not to be on people’s minds at every waking moment. That’s not how life works, and I am very thankful for it. But is it totally unrealistic to think someone somewhere would recognize the slightest difference? That something — anything — was off?

Have I always been this invisible?

I think that’s why I started using in the first place: no one, not even myself, seemed to care what would happen. Maybe I am spending time with the wrong people; maybe I rely too much on others; maybe my self-esteem is too tied to what others think. Or maybe I am just as much of a loser as I thought I was, and four years of hard work and clawing my way back into life has made no difference. What was all of it for, really?

Now, in my heart of hearts, I know that’s not true…I have grown in lots of ways, and it did put me in better places. But am I still alone? It sure feels like it. Yes, of course you need to love yourself before others will follow. And yes, you need to love yourself before you can love others. I have read enough self-help books to get the basics. The practice is the tricky part.

However, it is extremely hard to love and take care of myself when it seems to make no difference. I had extremely low self esteem regardless if I was sober or not. I didn’t make a bevy of new friends or have any big epiphanies either.

This all sounds doom and gloom, but it is where I am right now. I am trying not to let it get to me and to just keep trudging ahead. I know I will need to stop using at some point before I get in too deep. But I haven’t figured out the point of stopping yet.

Thanks for letting me rant for a moment.

 

Road to Relapse…and Redemption?

new-beginning
Source: delegatesolutions.com

My anxiety finally got to me. “The Committee” in my head, if anyone else knows what I am talking about, would not stop. I was being relentlessly attacked and beaten down by so many thoughts at once; they were all clashing together in a thunderous roar in my head. I was restless, aimless, and totally distraught. All of my days were blurring together. I was so anxious all the time, it felt like I was trapped in a straight jacket, and I was doing my best to wiggle and writhe to get out to no avail.

It had been that way for about two weeks. I have never had anxiety like that that I can remember. It was every waking moment, nonstop for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing I normally tried (exercise, talking to others, writing, prescription meds, etc.) would work. So I did the only other thing that has ever helped — I started using again. It’s the worst thing I could have done. The funny thing is, I don’t feel guilty about it like I thought I would.

I know I am an addict, so this is an extremely dangerous and stupid thing to do. However, the thoughts DID finally stop, and I was convinced nothing else would have done it. It’s not an excuse, but it was a choice I made, and I am actually OK with it. I had almost four years of sobriety, and I let it all go. In a strange way though, it feels like a new beginning; another start.

I am not beating myself up for once. I actually feel confident, free, and empowered…the exact opposite of what I was expecting. I had this towering fear of relapse. I saw myself being thrown in jail, losing everyone and everything I cared about, hating myself on an even higher level, or worse, that I’d hurt myself or someone else. Where would the bottom be? I never wanted to know. I thought I’d return to that dark hole I swore I’d never go to again. But none of that has happened. Not yet, anyway.

For now I am taking control of my situation, and if I need help again, I will seek it. I feel better today than I have in a long, long time. I feel more free than I ever did back when I was first using and even the entire time I was sober. I am using this as a learning experience, rediscovering myself, and learning to love myself despite bad decisions. It’s OK not to be perfect, as long as you make the most of your mistakes.

I am NOT suggesting any other addict try the same thing. But for me, this is a new journey, and I am allowing myself to follow the path as far as I can and let life take me wherever it wants. I am going with the flow and letting go of fear.

Maybe the road will end at a horrible place like before, or maybe it won’t. I am ready to sit back and see what’s next, and I am actually engaged in life again. One day at a time.