Today I am not myself, not that I really even know what that looks like. I am not anxious or depressed per se. I just don’t care. About anything.
My job is extremely unfulfilling, my love life is bland and predictable, my friends are distant and absent — well you get the picture. If I didn’t have to get up and make a living, I would probably sleep all day. Because for some reason, I just don’t think life is worthwhile today. What is there to look forward to, really? I feel like all my main choices have been made, and now I am stuck.
I have been told that apathy typically comes along with anxiety and depression. And it usually means that you have resided yourself to the status quo and don’t feel like (or have the energy for) working to get yourself out of it. Yep, that pretty much covers it.
The problem with apathy is not only will I stay in the problem, but it tends to send me into a spiral of depression.
I start having thoughts like:
• No one likes me, so why should I make an effort to reach out? The result is always the same.
• Romance is not real; it’s just something you see in the movies. There is only lust and commitment. Now I am stuck with commitment where nothing is exciting anymore. There are just years and years of carefully avoiding each other or watching TV to pass the time.
• I am in a dead-end job. But I am not even that great at it — so who would hire me?
— and so on, and so on.
Right now, I am trying to stay positive and write a gratitude list. I have to remember no one is responsible for my happiness except me. So the only one who can do the work is me. When you have enough pain, you will change. I am not there yet, but I am on my way. I really hope I snap out of this soon or I will fall into another depression. I am my own worst enemy.